The things you see in a year
The night falls early, the wind blows cold. The rain doesn’t stop in this Central Ontario zone.
An hour ago, I was going through my pictures of this time last year. Found a selfie I took in front of my downtown Barrie apartment coming back from my midnight shift. A co-worker had dropped me home. It had just started snowing. Was my first snow experience. I was different. I was confused. I was scared. But most importantly I was clueless to what the following year was about to bring.
A lot has changed. My wife and I have moved out of that one-bedroom apartment into a two-bedroom in a safer area. I bought a car, scrapped it and bought another one. The LinkedIn app is no longer on my home screen. Lost my grandmother.
I am not the person in the picture. That guy didn’t know a lot of stuff and I am not talking about quantum or economic theories. In fact, that guy probably knew more about those theories than I do. Because I clearly remember that he thought that knowing that kind of stuff was important. I, on the other hand, don’t care anymore.
That guy there was around seven months old in Canada. He hadn’t tasted Canadian winter yet. Nor had he tasted a Canadian tax return. He was unaware of the used car market and absurd car salesmen. He didn’t know how driving U-Haul felt. He didn’t know how owning a disastrous car hits a person.
He hadn’t seen the Niagara Falls or Ripley’s aquarium. He hadn’t seen lions, panthers, giraffes or zebras. He hadn’t bought AirPods yet. He had no clue what losing someone back home while you are trapped between paychecks and rent felt like.
But that guy still thought he had seen it all.
And I, the guy who is writing all this today am clueless to what the following year will bring. It hasn’t snowed yet. I am different. I am still confused. Although I am a little less scared of snow I am a lot more frightened about death and used cars.
I wish I could go through my pictures of this time next year.
But I get scared. What if I see What if I don’t see…
I am scared to not see.
I take it back. I don’t wish to go through my pictures of next year.
Let life flow. Not that you can steer it in your desired direction. It’s like we all play a game of cat and mouse with life. Life doesn’t like us very much so comes to get us and we run because survival is our only way to stay together.
I want to write consistently. I want to write more. It makes me breathe nice and slow and that makes me understand myself a lot more.
You know what I told myself this morning:
Life and the world are changing. I write to make sense of these changes.Â
I want to read consistently. I want to read more. It makes me breathe nice and slow and that makes me understand a lot more.
But I am sorry Substack, I am yet to find a writer who touches my soul. And I am not even asking for the soul the religions talk about.